O Say Can You See: The Greatest Patriotic Super Heroes of All-Time
A group of excitable, and violent, teens in Panama may have saved our planet from other-dimensional invasion.
According to media reports, the kids were playing in a town north of Panama City when they saw a grotesque, hairless creature emerge from a cave. So what did they do?
Why, they beat it to death, of course.
“Fearing for the safety as it moved towards them,” the U.K.’s Telegraph reports, “the youths claim they attacked the beast with sticks before throwing its lifeless body into a pool of water.”
Don’t be quick to condemn them, though: Judging from these photos, the beast can only be a Warwolf — Popsie or Jacko, possibly — one of a pack of genetically engineered lupine creatures that do the bidding of Mojo, ruler of the Mojoverse.
If not a Warwolf, then it’s probably a follically challenged sloth.
But better safe than sorry, I say. Had the teens not bludgeoned the monstrosity to death, it might’ve drained their life essences and worn their skins as clothing! Without Excalibur to battle the Warwolves, none of us would’ve stood a chance. Today Cerro Azul, tomorrow New York City!
Of course, if it was that other thing, the beast likely would’ve avoided all human contact as it searched for cecropia leaves and bugs. But who wants to take that risk?