Robot 6

The Empire strikes back against White House’s rejection of Death Star

As if the White House doesn’t have enough to worry about between the debt-ceiling debate, Cabinet confirmations and contentious efforts to stem gun violence, now it has to contend with the sneering condescension of the Galactic Empire.

Last week the Obama administration denied a petition to build a Death Star by 2016, with Paul Shawcross of the White House Office of Management and Budget explaining to the 34,435 signees that not only would a moon-sized space station be cost-prohibitive — $850,000,000,000,000,000, by one estimate — but that the super-weapon has an obvious design flaw that’s already been exploited on two occasions. On top of that, the administration doesn’t really condone the destruction of planets.

Now, through the official Star Wars blog, the gloating representatives of the Emperor have responded, hailing the unwillingness of the United States to construct a Death Star as confirmation of “the overwhelming military superiority of the Galactic Empire.” The press release, from Galactic Empire Public Relations on Coruscant, refers to Earth as a “tiny, aggressive planet.”

“It is doubtless that such a technological terror in the hands of so primitive a world would be used to upset the peace and sanctity of the citizens of the Galactic Empire,“ Gov. Wilhuff Tarkin is quoted as saying. “Such destructive power can only be wielded to protect and defend by so enlightened a leader as Emperor Palpatine.” The release continues:

Representatives on behalf of the nation-state leader from the unimaginatively named planet refused to acknowledge the obvious cowardice of their choice, preferring instead to attribute the decision to fiscal responsibility. “The costs of construction they cited were ridiculously overestimated, though I suppose we must keep in mind that this miniscule planet does not have our massive means of production,” added Admiral Conan Motti of the Imperial Starfleet.

Emissaries of the Emperor also caution any seditious elements within the Galactic Senate not to believe Earth’s exaggerated claims of there being a weakness in the Death Star design. “Any attacks made upon such a station — should one ever be built — would be a useless gesture,” added Motti.

Representatives of Alderaan could not be reached for comment.

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Comments

9 Comments

You know, with all the grief that is going on in the world right now, it’s good to see some good natured goofiness being bandied about.

This reminds me of a couple of years ago as a goof some people asked to “Robocop” statue built. It eventually took a life of it’s own(it never came to be)but it was fun to to talk about.

They already built a Death Star..It’s called Obama Care.

Is this shit serious…?

bclewis — That won’t make you friends with some of the people here BUT they’re rapidly learning how costly some of their voting choices are this year…

SJNeal — Unfortunately, yes. Slow news day, and we have to remember this IS a geek site that caters to stupid stuff like that. (Frankly, I don’t know why they don’t just admit they’re basically doing PR work for Marvel and DC but hey, that’s me.)
I didn’t much care for that story, either, but admittedly the best Star Wars movies I’ve seen in the past 13 years have been the cinematics for the LEGO Star Wars games…

The US is only allowed to spend that kind of money if it involves bombing brown people. That’s better than Viagra for the Teabaggers.

i can’t tell if this is all a joke anymore…

SJNeal and GeorgeC were apparently born without a sense of humor. Sheesh.

While I wouldn’t necessarily create a Death Star, a space station of that magnitude is not only possible but a good idea. Human population is increasing at a rate this planet will not much longer be able to sustain, moving off world is the next logical step. Mars is at least 100 years from being habitable so why not build something a little closer? I think 2016 is a pipe dream but we might manage it in about 50 years if we actually put our minds to it.

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