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Deadpool may be out here winning the hearts and minds of Americans countrywide with his smash box office hit, but it only takes one jerk to ruin a guy’s good name. Okay, fine, maybe it’s up to three jerks now. Regardless, it is totally unfair and not nearly funny enough.
A white man between 5’9″ and 5’11” and weighing roughly 200 lbs, that wore the mask of Marvel’s merc with a mouth, champion of the little guy, R-rated star, upstanding community member and all-around good hang Wade “Deadpool” Wilson stuck up the U.S. Bank in South Point, Ohio the afternoon of Friday, February 27, illicitly making off with $2,000 while ruining a marathon-like run of nearly flawless commercial branding.
According to local reports, the brazen thief of both cash and jokes, while obscuring his identity through the adoption of a much more popular one and suspected to have had a handgun, demanded a no-doubt perfectly courteous and professional Midwestern bank teller who definitely didn’t need this kind of thing for her Friday hand him over other people’s money under threat of injury, like some generic henchmen destined to get bounced by the clever and colorful hero no later than page three, before taking off from the scene on foot like his bus pass had run out.
The 20th Century Fox studdingly portrayed by Ryan Reynolds in his breakout eponymous motion picture wasn’t available for comment, since he’s a fictional character that only occasionally breaks the fourth wall and not a real celebrity like Kermit the Frog, but it still constitutes an intolerable, Francis-like affront to Deadpool’s name and reputation. Besides, the criminal isn’t only guilty of being despicable; he’s unoriginal.
It was only in early January that two Florida Men had the fantastic idea to steal the ATM from a Cocoa gas station while wearing face-covering Deadpool zip-up hoodies, which might have been a plan except one dude had his hood/mask off, the whole thing was caught on camera, their stolen getaway vehicle crapped out on them, they ditched their ill-gotten score, and had to get picked up by a friend or their mom or something.
What is it about these nefarious dum-dums that makes them fool enough to try pulling off DP’s scamp-like criminal charm? Besides, ‘Pool would never hurt anyone that wasn’t asking for it, besides Blind Al. But then again, being Deadpool’s roommate is kind of asking for punishment.
What’s not a joke is that anyone that might have information that could help bring in this petty Ohio thug are encouraged to contact the South Point Police Department at 740-377-4011 or the Lawrence County Sheriff’s Department at 740-532-3525 so that his chicanery may be brought to its end.